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Me.

I'm one of God's creation
A plain girl who realise her full potential is barely reached
Babysit, eating, sleeping and dancing is her best leisure ability
Loves her family & friends to bits
No life ahead without them in my life..
Currently 7hrs away from home
Right now loving the life she is leading in Adelaide only because there are so many things she got herself involved in..
And it is not worthless involvements, mind you..


Monday, May 30, 2005
im so confused...

yo!!
its been some time..since i wrote here...
haix..guess wad ppl..my parents found out i still contact sham n is damn angry with me and all...i don't blame them ..they care alot about me..but i just wish they would give me a chance.
so niwae now they have met sham..n haix..i duno wad will happen..they have not talked to me from like saturday...*only certain people know why..& im so hurt...but wad can i do??what was done is done...today ayah msged me n said he wana talk to me...yipee!!atlast d silent treatment is over...but i m scared to find out what he has to say about sham..well cross fingers...

i have been asking people about what really i should do in this long complicated situation...some tell me to forget him he is a jerk..duno what he wants..and even if u do get him he might do the same thing again...
some tell me to fight for him...im so confused!!!what the hell should i do...i guess just follow my heart??my heart tells me 2 things too...part tells me to move away...dier da berpunye...but anoder part of me tells me if u usaha dapat nye....so...the solution seems to be hanging there....i really duno what i should do...i do knw he is a jerk and yes i feel he do treat me like a fool gitu..but matters of the heart like so hard to control...on top of that when i like someone i REALLY like that person...haix....help me....make a wise decision....

---> lost affection is a pity but true love is eternal...

Friday, May 27, 2005
haix...love me, want me, need me...

today is oready the 27th of may..
sham n i have met for 3 days straight since wednesday..
the first day---> we met at bdk int after i finish sch at 7..we ate at mcd near bdk int.we then went to changi beach..we talked and talked..we saw airplanes flying then we sat on the bench..sham was very manja with me..we were like lovers...we went home at abt 12..he sent me home
2nd day---> we met at 402 opp my blk at 8...sham wanted to fetch me..we then walked to bedok int and ate at long john's..after which we went to east coast park...we stopped atthe bayshore condominium busstop there and walked all the way to ecp...we sat at one of the water breakers there and i told him that i have made my decision..i have decided to back out...he was sad n said i cant forget u but if u decide to do that i shant force u...then duno how we were like 'manja' again...he hugged me and blah3....shall keep the memories to myself...we were on the way home when yana msged and ask if sham was with me...n sham replied no..we took 228 home n i reached home ard 1215pm....
today----> sham called me at subuh, 8=, 9+, 11+ and again at 1+...we quarrelled as yana told me everything today..that they have not broken up when i n sham first got to knw one another...but they were fighting...i then decided to meet sham..we met at tamp int at abt 7...and we walked all the way to sumplaza park...there he asked if i was mad at him..n i simply said yes..for lying to me... then i asked him "why did you lie to me?" he said "i have my reasons...but no u r not d cause of my break up with yana nor are you a rebound".he also said that his friends do not agree that he went back with his ex...woohoo!!!...
And i melted when he said SORRY!!i mean if that is not sincere then what is...maybe if you were there to see it you would notice that his feelings for me are true...then we got 'manja' again...he said that he was very angry with yana...and he feels that right now he don't have a matair...he said he syg me and all...he also said dis 'YAH WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THAT I LOVE YOU??"ARRGGGHHH!!!!i love u too...
then we met pau and yusri(sham's frens) and they toked to me abt dis...Pau said that actually the ball is in my hands..*i do not understand what he means...and other stuffs...niwae...yusri is really nice...he was jux there n nice n playing with my hp heee.....after that pau n yusri went off to meet yana with their last words 'whatever your decision do not regret it'.i was then left alone with sham..and the first qn i asked him was "u maseh sygkan dier??"n he answered "i duno" --> this was gd as usually he would say yah...but i dare not keep my hopes up high...i duno why but i guess at dat situation i made my decision..i was confused and lost...so i jux got up hugged sham n said u jux b wif her...n i walked off..sham did yell out to me but i ignored n he did not run after me..i was hurt n broken...
i do not knw wad they toked to yana abt..n i really wana noe...but....i really wana knw who sham chooses...he told me he loved me..he rmbred things we did on our dates...i duno....
there are alot of things i wana say..if possible i wana say every single detail but then dat will be too long...
i jux noe i love him...n i want him..n i hope he will choose me...i hope he calls...haix...;(

Wednesday, May 25, 2005
correction!!

well peeps sorry. a fren of mine jux pointed out a mistake of mine...if you read my first entry the one in blue..the gema temasek was on 14 of may not april...hehe...so sorry yah...i guess too eager to let my thoughts out totally got mixed up...

wads wrong wif me!!!y do i feel so restless...

haix...its been a week now since the day sham n d bitch patched up..man time flies very fast eh..right now my mum, dad, aunty & nenek knows about this sham thingy..all because i have not been eating nor sleeping well..for 3 whole days, i didn't on my hp simply to forget about him..and it was working!!with d help of my family always around me i was forgetting him and i took d 'break up' as a lesson of my life...

until saturday...he called me alot of times..n since i offed my hp it was diverted to my house.My aunt was the one who always picked it up & she told me sham sounds sad and all that i m ignoring him..N damn it felt gd to ignore him!!
then sunday morning, my nenek picked up the phone n not blaming her as she did not recognise the voice called me...it was SHAM!!i said hello n he said hello!!when i heard his voice i was quiet for like 2 whole minutes n he kept on asking 'yah, asal u diam'??then after d shock i said tkde apa2...then he asked y i hilangkan diri je all of a sudden (d chick to ask me dat)..i told him u shld noe y wad..then he said 'yah lah tapi tkan hilang trus seh...' IS he DUMB or is HE DUMB!!
n unfortunatley after dat he called everyday, n i became attached to it again...n now again i cant live wifout his calls!!!damn it!! y m i so weak!!!

its gd to hear his voice u noe....yesterday he told me this..'Yah, u kow sometimes i wish i was with you n not her"...yes i was happy he said that but i also felt like he is making me & himself more confused. At one time he says im his fren then at another....haix....he also said things like" i wish one day i can kiss u" ape tu!!..arrrgggggghhhh!!!

i really like him...they say when you like a man, it doesn't mean you have to be with him...inside me there is dis hope of getting him back but will i??will he come back for me??will he realise who he really want??so many questions unanswered...this is always the case...am i stupid??is he worth it??--->well obviously no but haix....what do i do??do i wait for him??do i continue contacting him??shld i have hopes??damn!!!

allah tabahkan lah hatiku oh ya allah!!tunjuk ku lah pangkal jln yg benar...pulihkan lah hati ku secepat mungkin...seandainya kau lah maha pengasih dan maha penyanyang...

*Lost affection is a pity, but true love is eternal..
++no matter how you feel, you are healing..; i hope so...haix...

Monday, May 23, 2005
dis is especially for dat one special guy sHAm!!


You are a guy whom i adore
but i can't trust your words no more
U were a good guy at one time
but now u r no different from a slime
My family's out having fun..
yet im at home stuck talking to this son of a gun
Talking bout the recent "fren" who happens to be his bitch
without him realising that she makes me sick
Miss you.. i used to
Luv u, i'll always do..
hatred will neva grow
Heartbreak is smth i've had a breakthrough
Everytime i see ur name on my fone
i wish u leave me alone
becox things juz remind and make me see
dat u the bastard who keeps lying to me
u are juz one bastard whom i soon came to see..
man.. ain't i lucky
So now i walked around wif a wide grin
thinking i should thank the bitch for showing me the true him!!
done by idayu my best pal & me....
woohoo loving it...

wise words i would always keep...

if i had the letters "HRT", i can add "EA" to get a "HEART" or a "U" and get "HURT". but i'd rather choose "U" and get "HURT" than have a "HEART" without "U"...
it hurts to love when you have 2 go. take care of me;
don't go away because if you love me, you will stay...
i love you and do you know why you got me when you first said 'Hi'"
" it's always better to have found the courage to love even if you lose it in the end rather than never found love because you were too afraid of the challenge."
"Relationships are like glass, sometimes it is better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together, or worse, have nothing strong to bind it together. you never lose in loving. you only lose in holding back."
After dissapointment, we will release ourselves of hatred & jealousy..

Sunday, May 22, 2005
My lifE..

wow..dis is my first entry..it feels weird..cox i nvr really did like dis...to me it was a waste of time...but thinking...i tot..after goin' thru' hardships & even gr8 times..sumtymes its good to let it all out..n share it wif ppl; ur frens..so here it goes...
for one whole yr..since 8 april 2004..i have prevented myslef from getting to noe anyone of the opp sex 'deeper'. Since my last break up i enduered heartbreak..for 2 whole sad mths..i told my self...why look for heartbreaks if u can PREVENT it!..I had a gr8 yr..yes, i do wished sometimes thdat i have someone to talk to, to laugh wif besides my girlfriends...but it was a bliss to b single...until.....
d 4th of april...i met dis guy named Norisham bin Abdul Rahman; we met thru dis girl;my junior in my sec sch..hehe..we had d d same father's name d same blood type too..tsk tsk..wad r d odds...Sham is an NS guy 20 yr old n work in an ofis at Tekong..Things i knew abt him was dat his b'dae lies on either 16 or 17 nov..n much mre wich is not imp...we became closer as time went by..he called every single day!!in d afternoon at work...n at nyte we tok till d wee hours of morning...on fridays n saturdays..we toked till dawn..---->subuh..
He scared me once late at night while telling a ghost story..n i was angry when i told him to stop n yet he din..d next day he called n i ignored...then he gave me a msg...so sweet n all....*i still keep d msg...;) then on 30th of april...he told me dat he LIKES ME!!..at dat time i was like shocked..i din have feelings for him yet..we have not met..we jux toked thru d phone..tho he did wana meet a couple of times but i turned him down..so i answered "mm okay so wad m i suppose 2 say??"n he jux said "i duno..wadeva u wana say.."then ichanged topic...heeee dats me always changing topics when i m at a lost fer werds..we then got closer..n i started having feelings for him..
On d 14th of april; me, sham, dayu,reza(dayu's bf), suraiyah, farhan, yan(su's fren) n wan(yan's fren), we attended a performance at TJC called GEMA TEMASEK . It was fun!!!we had a lot of laughs...after which we went to justin's chalet at downtown east..we ate..n well details of wad happen then i shall keep it close in my heart..;)..
then d sad part happened..sun-15 may, at ard 7+ pm sham called n told me abt his last ex who came back & wanted to patch it up wif him..my life was shattered...for once i opened up to one guy, n yet dis happened..Luckily, sham said he din noe id he wanted to p atch up yet cox he 'sygkan me'..i was happy-->at dat time..i did tell him to forget me n i backed out..but obviously dat was not wad i really wanted..we toked still on monday..he tells me things like 'i miss u!!', 'i sygkan u' , "i keep on thinking about u d whle day"..n i tink he REALLY did..cox he kept on calling even after i missed call him alot of times..he din give up..
Then...i had a msg from his ex!!!she got d num forcefully from sham wanting to b frens..can u believe dat???frens??isnt she suppose to b hating me instead??cox i noe i bloody well do HATE Her..then she kept on pushing me bck to him n all...i have no idea wad her motive was...then on 18 may, they patched up..argggghhhhh....i was heartbroken AGAIN!!mixed feelings of hurt, anger, confused all...d reason they patched up was cox..he syg kan dier still...wad d fuck!!
ryt now i duno wad else to say..infact i duno if i wana say it...;(...all i knw is dat i actually still miss dat jerk.. im lost confused...i do want him back..haix....
help!!!

something i came across....jux ryt for wad im goin thru...ryt now

I am still me
The girl whom you once loved
But i nNO longer need your love
I just wana be ME!!

Friday, May 20, 2005

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