The JeaLoUs Girlfriend

I Don't think it was so much about the "insults" thrown at me but it was more that He joined in and did not atleast try to salvage or help the situation. And him leaving me alone at the back whilst walking alongside the other only makes it more hurting. Making me feel like as though I am not there; an outsider, which I already am somehow. And then unfortunately during those times when he do make conversations or jokes with you like the usual, you are either tired or too heartbroken with the accumulated hurtful passing remarks that you do not want to or atleast bother to have a chat back. And then he would ask what's the matter, and all you want to say is nothing or just keep a silent face. Because you just do not want to spoil everything or do not want to seem petty cause seriously one can only take that much level of pain. And then he will give us his black look, the look of confused, of what-did-I-do-now-look and then gets depressed. Then you are the one who has to try and 'save' the relationship even though you are the one who is hurt in the first place. Deeply hurt. Guess that is a woman's role. No matter what, we sacrifice. Guys never do give in a 100% as much as we do. No wonder, we fall the worse.

The times spent here has been nothing but times when I want to just be in my own hole. I'd rather be alone far away then be near to so many people I know and yet not feel welcomed from time to time. The 1st day of syawal held a big pang in the heart. Reluctantly, I left with them. I do appreciate having someone around during the greatest of times but somehow not yesterday. Infact, not for the past few days.. Don't get me wrong, the hosts are great. I get fed and taken care of. But in return, I have to do and suffer a great deal too; both mentally and emotionally.It really is not a nice feeling. Managed to call home and shed a few tears for the first time on this EID whilst chatting with mummy. Sometimes, I just wonder why I do what I do for a certain special someone; whoever that is. On a lighter note, we did take pictures and was able to view the celebration held at home via webcam. MasyaAllah, it was really just a lonely night and a lonely day to begin with..

Been asked if I was the wife or the girlfriend and only God knows what goes through my mind when I get asked that. I get disappointed, sad, worried, tired, lonely whenever we talk about this certain other problem. And I think alot when I know there is a secret that I do not know. I get paranoid wondering if its about me. And though you get told its not, there is that part of you which tells you it is. But then again, can we trust our intincts? Its like you tell someone everything and you would expect one to reciprocate. Only to find out, only you talk so much more than necessary. You want to stop. Stop caring, stop meeting, stop thinking. But you are so close and used to sharing and doing things together that you find it difficult to do. Haix, challenges of my life. And when you do get to talk together about what you think the problem is and how it can be solved or what other people want for us, which is only the best, he will only answer back. Which is very much not helping and unsupportive yet you have been for him throughout the entire journey. Again, no wonder usually girls fall hard.

Was to go out early today but the cousin is sleeping. We slept late last night having to clean the house after the open house and he had to wake up early today to send the brother-in-law. Seriously, what will I remember of this trip? God knows..

8:42 AM ·